(While writing this blog post, I realized that this is VERY long, so I am splitting it up into three parts...yeah, that is how major this past month has been.)
About three months ago, our foster dog, Justice, came into our lives. One morning, we found out that a close neighbor had died in his sleep. He was a great man who loved dogs and who had worked with us in the past to rescue our dog, Maya. He had two cherished pet pit bulls and a third pit bull who a family member had dropped off at his door. When he died, the family left all three dogs in his home alone for three days without food, water, or outside breaks. When they finally came to retrieve his things, they took our neighbor's two pit bulls and left Justice tied to the back porch with no plan to come back for her. When we learned this, we went over and brought her home to figure out what we could do to help.
Our original intention for Justice was to get her spayed, vetted, and connected to a rescue who could find her a good home. Well the realities of animal rescue soon hit us. First, we live in a county in Dekalb county, Georgia, where pit bulls outnumber all other breeds. The shelters are literally filled with them. We went to the animal shelter in our county and were told that if we left her there she would be euthanized. And when we asked if they could put her in their system as a foster, we were told that there was no use since she probably wouldn't get adopted. Wow! I refused to leave her there to die in that shelter. So we took her home. I was determined to prove that shelter wrong and find her a good home on my own.
Fast forward to June. Justice is still in our home. At this point, she has been spayed and we have begun to learn more about her. She is a sweet girl with a huge smile. She loves humans, but unfortunately, is cat aggressive and kind of a bully to other dogs, which has led to some skirmishes in my pack, particularly with my lab, Bella. She needs to be in an only dog home and we need to find a home for her soon.
In the middle of June, I decide to take her in for one more vet appointment before I list her for adoption. We had noticed her straining to breath and I felt a small knot under her armpit. We needed to make sure she was healthy before we gave her to a new home. Unfortunately, the news that we received would change that plan.
After some x-rays, blood work, and an examine, Justice was diagnosed with a bronchial infection and heartworms. I was devastated for this poor girl. Believe me, with us living in Georgia, I knew that heartworms could be a possibility with the high mosquito count, but to know that this girl would have to be put through the harsh treatment that included painful injections and 2-3 months of crating was sad. We left that day with three medicines and a plan for the heartworms over the next few months. We were also told that if her breathing had not gotten better over the weekend to bring her back in.
Well the weekend went by and Justice's bronchial infection had not gotten better, so back to the vet we went. The vet listened to her lungs again and diagnosed her with pneumonia. More meds for Miss J. Then things got worse. Our vet looked at the results from the test she did of the lump under Justice's armpit and told us that she had mass cell tumors. Pretty much, cancer for dogs. Again, I was shocked. I asked lots of questions to the vet, but really my brain could not process it. I took Justice and I went home to cry.
Over the next few days, I called my animal rescue friends, coworkers, and even people at our Sanctuary in Utah asking for advice. While, I did get hope, I also had people tell me the harsh truth. She would eventually die from this. These tumors come back and are very aggressive and requires surgeries to remove each time. Add to the fact that she has heartworms and we were in an awkward place with deciding what treatment to start first. Not to mention the enormous expense that we would incur. We had a choice to make, do we take her through surgeries and harsh treatments or give her quality for the time that she had left.
So here I am, with a sick foster dog. How can it get any worse? Well it did. I was home alone with the dogs on a Saturday. After being secluded for a week, I felt Justice needed some socialization. All of the dogs were being amicable, playing, and hanging out. I went to walk into the kitchen to get a drink and in an instant a fight broke out between Justice and Bella. Without thinking, I ran to break them apart. In an effort to pull them apart, I got bit hard on my hand. Blood was everywhere and I was crying while still trying to pull them away from each other. After five minutes, I was able to put each in their crates and calm the other dogs down. But I was a wreak. I went to the bathroom and cried heavily as I washed and bandaged my hand. How could this have happened? Why was I stupid in putting my hand in? Why was Justice so aggressive towards Bella?
I called my husband and told him the situation. He had had enough and felt Justice had to go. I was devastated. I had failed her as a foster parent. I knew what would happen to Justice if we took her to the shelter. A cat aggressive, dog aggressive, heartworm positive dog with mass cell tumors. She would be euthanized before we could leave the parking lot. I could not do that to her. Again, I called my rescue friends and family members to tell them about my predicament.
The answer that I got was not what I wanted to hear. The answer was that maybe I should humanely put her down. She would not survive in a shelter and with her issues, she was not fit for my home. We would not be able to find a rescue who would take her nor who could afford her issues. They thought that it would be more humane for us to give her a few good days and let her escape the outcome of a sick body and a life of aggression. After talking with my hubby, he agreed.
In my mind, I agreed with everything they were saying, but my heart could not agree. For the next three days, I spent my time in our guest room crying harder than I ever have. I kissed her big block head and I talked to her about how sorry I was for what I had to do. I talked to family members who consoled me in my heartache. I tried to get my heart to the point where I could let her go, but every time I thought about calling the vet to make the appointment, the only thought that I had was that I was killing her.
After those three days, my decision had not been made. Even with her sickness, how could I put such a lively, happy dog to sleep forever? I could not do it. I could not fail this beautiful creature. I went to my hubby and told him that I wanted to give her one more chance.
My friends and family think I am insane. I have been told by some that they do not support my decision. Over and over, they have asked me, "What will have to happen for you to give up on this dog? How much money will you spend on her treatments? What if she hurts another cat or dog? How long will you let her suffer before you think about her quality of life?" The answer is, I don't know. I just know that the decision to let her go did not feel right and to me, that means that I must keep trying.
My friends and family think I am insane. I have been told by some that they do not support my decision. Over and over, they have asked me, "What will have to happen for you to give up on this dog? How much money will you spend on her treatments? What if she hurts another cat or dog? How long will you let her suffer before you think about her quality of life?" The answer is, I don't know. I just know that the decision to let her go did not feel right and to me, that means that I must keep trying.
We have now ended the treatment for the pneumonia and Justice has an appointment with the vet next week to talk next steps. Our vet wants to do the surgery for the mass cell tumor first so that we can diagnose what stage she is. Hubby and I have talked and based on the stage her cancer is in, we will decide after that if we continue with the harsh heartworm treatment.
It took me a long time to decide if I should write this post. How can I write about a dog who I love, but who has so many flaws? How can I talk about the harsh decision that I battled with to keep her alive or to end her life? Can I deal with the criticism from both sides of the argument about my decision to keep her alive and in our home? What criticism will I endure if my decision was wrong?
Animal rescue is hard. Saving lives is hard. Making the decisions for an animal who has no voice is hard. Why was I chosen to get this dog amongst all of the other dogs who were in need? Well in part two, I begin to get a clearer picture of why Justice...and later Maybelline came into my life.
I leave you with this picture of my smiling girl, Justice, on the day that we found out she had heartworms.
Talk later!
Crystal
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